Sometimes life isn’t easy.
Sometimes we aren’t okay. Right now I am not okay. I’m struggling with my depression and anxiety. Everything hurts. My fibromyalgia flares when I am stressed. I am very stressed. So my whole body hurts. My joints are stiff and swollen, my skin feels like it’s bruised. I am exhausted. Dealing with anxiety and depression and a chronic illness isn’t easy for anyone much less a parent. I thought it was a good idea to close my business before going on a trip. I thought it would be better than letting it hang over my head and worrying while I am gone. I didn’t think through that that meant I would be closing my business and stressing about a trip all at once.
Also Juniper is sick. She got strep throat from who knows where because no one she’s been around has been or is sick. So she’s miserable. In turn making us all miserable.
I am trying to let go of my business. Of what I worked for, for so long. Of dreams that don’t work for me or make me happy anymore. Of the idea of who I should be.
How it feels to have anxiety and depression.
It hurts. I am sad. And that is okay. I am allowed to be sad. If you are sad because you made a big decision, THAT IS OKAY. If you are sad because you lost something you loved whether it is a friendship, a lover, or a future you saw yourself in; it is okay to feel that way. If you are sad simply because your brain chemistry is off and you haven’t found the right meds and you feel off, that is okay. Feelings aren’t facts. You will be okay. No shame in the medicine game. You’ll find your way. Your brain is lying when it says you might die from this. Anxiety and depression lie. Often when we are parents we feel like we have to seem like we have it all together. BUT NO ONE HAS IT ALL TOGETHER.
You will eventually find your way. But right now in this moment you aren’t okay and that is just fine.
More of us than anyone knows aren’t okay. Anxiety affects 18.1% of the population every year. No one is fine. It doesn’t make you a bad parent or person. We can figure it out together, if we are honest about how we are. Anxiety and depression are mean bitches. Like the girls who used to pick on you at school when you already weren’t confident or cool. But just like those mean girls they won’t be there at the end of every day forever and ever. They can’t control the outcome of your life unless you keep them around. I’m not okay today but I am gonna keep fighting and I will be okay eventually. With help and honesty and kindness towards myself.