As I sat down to write this an alarm went off. Not in my head, a physical loud painful beeping was coming from my kitchen. Which happens to be right next to every other room in my house including the sleeping baby’s. I dropped my laptop and ran into the kitchen with my heart pounding and desperately sought for the goddamn smoke alarm which was going off for seemingly no reason at all. Hopefully it’s not carbon monoxide (you can smell that right??? crap I better google that) and because we couldn’t get it to stop going off we smashed it to smithereens. This is the 3rd smoke alarm that’s ended this way. Loud noises give me horrible anxiety, and now my very precious”me time” has been tainted.
Not that my “me time” has ever been wonderful. However having a baby has really put a dent into the thing I call my own sense of self. Before I had Juniper I had hobbies and interests and worked full time at my own business. I had friends, and went to the movies or just hung out with people pretty regularly. Not a ton, I’ve always had problems making friends here in California. I’m different compared to a lot of life time SoCal people, I have a foul mouth and I don’t tend to keep my opinions to myself. I’m liberal and pale and definitely not a beach babe. But now that’s definitely fucking worse. Even as I say to my spouse as he comes in complaining about the smoke alarm going off that I’m trying to write a blog, he’s continuing to complain. My few precious moments of quiet where there is no baby and there was supposed to be no husband (he was in the garage working out) are now gone.
Last night he was upset with me. That I didn’t want to spend time with him working on music. That I’m just not as passionate as I used to be. He’s right, I’m not. I’m not passionate about hardly anything anymore. How can I be? I’m depleted. Being a mother is like trying desperately to get a cup of coffee but before you can even finish pouring it someone comes over and either spills it or drinks it for you and then says “why are you so tired all the time?”. Oh I don’t know because my day has zero time to reconnect with myself and reset? Yes I sleep at night, but I do that thing most mothers I know do which is I stay up far too late to try to read some articles on the internet and talk to my friends on twitter because during the day I’ve gotten none of that alone quiet moments to do so. And even though my kid is over a year old it’s still kinda rare when she sleeps all the way through the night until day break. So yeah I’m not passionate, passion takes energy. I feel guilty about this, I want to be the woman I was. Who loved to do so many things, especially with their spouse. But again it’s like pouring from an empty cup.
Being a mother is like trying desperately to get a cup of coffee but before you can even finish pouring it someone comes over and either spills it or drinks it for you.
Today my mother in law offered to watch my child. You’d think that would be a break, but I turned her down. Because the effort to bring Juni to her house which is almost 30 minutes away and home and then go into work is something I just don’t want to expend energy on. I should be jumping at it, but I just don’t have it in me. So I’m going to try to breathe deeply, tell my man that I need some time to myself, and hopefully by this afternoon I’ll get to hang with another mom who gets it. Because truly that’s the only people that see me for me lately.
SHOUT OUT OTHER MOMS!
THANKS FOR HAVING
MY BACK GIRL
I’m not joking. Without other moms saying hey the fact that you don’t have anything left over at the end of the day is normal, I would be freaking the fuck out. Every day this week all I’ve wanted to do is sit and watch a show I like alone. It’s all I’ve got left in me. After finally explaining this to my husband, that his day has preset reset buttons like working out in the morning and his lunch break and sometimes even going to the gym in the evening and mine doesn’t, he’s starting to hear me. It’s why I don’t have the energy to hang and make music in the evening lately even though deep down I want to. At least for today he is getting it, that might change the next time he wants to me do something and I’m too tired. Did I mention I also have an autoimmune disorder that gives me widespread chronic pain called Fibromyalgia? Oh yes, it wouldn’t be enough to just be trying to mom and run a business and be a partner. Gotta add that one on the pile.
I’ve even talked about it in therapy. I tell my therapist some days I’m not sure who I am or who I am becoming. I feel lost. She says this is all normal. She’s also a mother who owns her own business after all, so I trust her. She says keep trying to schedule that time, keep trying to do the things that bring you back to yourself but also allow for yourself to say no. Say I can’t do that right now.
But maybe tonight will be different. I do still have commitments, I do love singing and have been working with a band and we need to get ready for practice next week. But I also need to call the vet, and vacuum our house, go food shopping for the Easter party tomorrow and answer my emails with a toddler on my lap who loves hitting the keyboard oh and I need to go to the gym (haha we know that’s not fucking happening). We will see what’s possible. Because this me that I’m trying to build, it is as ethereal as a ghost, and hitting that reset button may just be an illusion that has to wait until…later.