SO my baby was in distress. My mom says to me “Honey it’s time to start considering that you may need a C-section” I wailed. I straight up wailed like a cartoon character in distress. NO I WANTED A NATURAL BIRTH. Never mind that “natural” birth had gone out the window 20 hours ago and we were now 45 hours into my labor. My friends online reassured me that it would be ok. That there’s no such thing as a natural or unnatural birth because all children are natural and it wouldn’t change anything about how I parent or have any impact on my baby. Logically I knew this was true. Emotionally I was a mess. I stopped tweeting as often. I confessed that I was scared and upset.

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Not long after the doctor gave me the “choice” I could keep going just like this but she didn’t think it would be productive or I could have a c-section. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CHOICE IS THAT? I wanted to yell, but again, I’ve got manners and don’t yell at doctors doing their jobs. So I calmly said I am so tired I think I will have a c-section. I was rushed into the OR right then, little did I know they had been preparing for this for hours. They had a gurney in the hallway. They put a cap over my head and dressed my husband and asked me to scooch over a bit to another bed from my gurney… still wondering if that is legal because how the fuck do you expect me to do that with an epidural that makes it so I can’t move or feel anything below my chest?

Then I was in and they turned up the epidural even higher so I couldn’t feel anything but my face and my heart thumping in my ears. I knew I was having a panic attack, my vision was blurry and I felt like I was in a scene from fucking E.R. I asked the anesthesiologist for anxiety meds that I was having a panic attack. His answer “Oh you don’t want that because then you won’t remember when your baby comes out”. Little did he know that because of my anxiety I wouldn’t remember regardless. I remember asking my husband to tell me stories to keep me from passing out, I remember them tying my arms down because I was shaking so hard from shock. I remember them talking about their weekend plans as they cut me open but I don’t remember my baby being presented to me for the first time. I do vaguely remember hearing her cry and saying “Is that her? Is she okay?” and my husband saying “yes that’s her” and then crying with relief that it was over and my vision going blurry. I don’t remember anything else until the recovery room. I think maybe that’s when the meds actually got given. Sometime around then I do remember meeting my daughter. She was swollen and kind of purple and my mother held her to my chest to nurse and she seemed to know just what to do which was good because I had no fucking clue. And once we got to the maternity ward I took pictures and of course I tweeted.

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She was here. Juniper Lynn was finally here. Now it was time for recovery, which I had no idea would be just as difficult as the birth. You can check that out in my blog When You’re Ready. Luckily I’d have my ride or die friends online to help me through it just the same as they did with the first steps.

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