I struggle with depression and anxiety. It’s not a secret, everyone in my life knows about it. It’s been going on since I was a kid most likely. I remember hiding out in the counselors office in 6th grade. I was an easy target for bullies since I stood out with my red hair and hippy hand me down clothes. Things haven’t changed too much since then. While I can stand up for myself a bit better these days I still struggle with the bully in my brain, the one that says “GIVE UP, YOU AREN’T GOOD AT THIS ANYWAY, YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH AT ANYTHING REALLY”. However I’ve found a few tricks to get me out of this funk. One of them I’m doing right now. I’m writing, creating, spewing my feelings out into the ether so they don’t feel so thick inside me. I used to paint to get it out but that’s something that I don’t have the lifestyle for anymore with little hands grabbing everything they can and needing to be held at a moments notice.
Lately my depression has been saying “Is this what you really want?” and that’s a question I don’t know how to answer. I’ve always been one of those people that is okay at a good amount of things. Especially creative endeavors. While that’s nice and people are often commenting little things like “oh you’re so talented!” I’m not really. I’m just okay, decent even if you stretch it and compare me to people who aren’t creative types. In my opinion this stuff is pretty easy and it takes much more to truly be talented. Like you have to be really passionate, which I can’t seem to hold onto. That means that I am set up to just kind of float through various roles.
Now I’ve somewhat settled. We’ve built a business together from the idea that I love fashion and retail, and Oliver loves the outdoors. It’s a beautiful shop and was a beautiful dream. But it doesn’t feel like it’s lighting us up the way we hoped, the way it did when we first set out, before we knew the ins and outs of this business and how much of a struggle it would be to pay rent. Before we had a child who’s needs come before any of our ideas. Everyone kind of assumes if you build it they will come but that’s not really true. It also has to be something everyone wants for a price that’s beyond what you can afford to offer and also not available at the mall or fucking Target (which I love that place don’t get me wrong it’s a beautiful heavenly red and white playground of my dreams). So we are taking a step back, considering our options of where to go next, because somewhere along the line our 5 year plan went haywire and it became a 6 month plan. Because we started noticing that every time we made a long term plan something would change, but maybe it be the good kind and it would turn it all around?
Everyone kind of assumes if you build it
they will come, but that’s not really true.
So here I am at 31 and I’m still trying to find the things that make me feel lit up. The problem is there’s kind of a lot of them? No one ever really discusses what happens when you have too many interests do they. So in order to not get bogged down by the fact that the thing I built that I was super passionate about doesn’t light me up the way it once did I have to keep doing the things. I am writing the songs, the blogs, the tweets and pulling myself around saying “It’ll be okay, you’ll figure it out” and maybe that feeling will come back. Maybe, or maybe it won’t. I’m not really sure. What I hope is that if you are feeling like this you do the things, you make a plan even a really small short term one, and you get it done. So you don’t let those feelings fill you up, and you don’t let that inner bully win. We all have something to offer, we just have to keep doing the things until we figure out which ones will bring us where we are supposed to go. At least for now, I know I’m a damned good mother and I’m raising one badass little feminist baby.