So like I said I had started a business with my husband, my friend and my FIL. Let me fill you in on a little secret here, almost all people who “own” their own businesses have investors that are family, friends or something else. Hardly anyone is able to go it alone. If they are they’ve done it late in life when they are super established and already had success at one career.

That wasn’t us. 

We were newbies. We were trying to please everyone and had no idea how to. Plus I had this niggling thing in my brain going HAVE BABIES, ALL THE BABIES, GET PREGNANT IMMEDIATELY FUCK THE CONSEQUENCES! So as I showed in my last post I threw a curve ball, and we got pregnant. We were just kind of considering it ya know. Or he was, I was tracking my cycle and planning getaways. But we were DOING IT ALL YOU GUYS. You know they said you can have it all, but they didn’t say what that feels like. That it feels like the world is coming down around you and you need to grab everyone you can as a life preserver, and eventually it will wear them out and they will leave. It was what I did, I clung to my business partner/employee/friend Niki for dear life until I drained her. And she left, for bigger better pastures at a company she was passionate about. And I was lost and desolate and 6 month pregnant. So what do you do? We just kept going. We had no idea how but we just did.

But we were DOING IT ALL YOU GUYS. You know they said you can have it all, but they didn’t say what that feels like.

So we continued, and soon enough the day had come and we had our baby. It was insane, the most intense experience of my life and kind of traumatizing (but more about that later). Not at all the beautiful birth experience I had imagined. I know haha, beautiful birth YOU’RE AN IDIOT, I get it now. But at the time I had it in my head that this was going to be great, and I was going to take a maternity leave and then we would go back to work, and Ollie would stay home two days a week with her and I would stay home two days a week with her and his mom would take the other.  Best laid plans you know.  So here she was.

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And here I was recovering from an emergency c -section and trying to still stay current with my business. And exhausted. Everyone says how TIRED you are when you have kids, but no one TRULY believes it, TRULY GETS IT. I was tired when I was pregnant yes, but not wake up every 1.5 hours to feed the baby and change the baby and oh god I have a giant wound in my abdomen so it hurts to turn over or pick her up tired. But we muddled on. And soon enough it was time to go back to work. But I couldn’t bring myself to leave her, with her dad ALL DAY. I was breastfeeding and going through it. So I had to make a choice, either go back and stuff those feelings down, or make Ollie take on the brunt of the business and give up the control to someone else. A business he didn’t know much about other than the product, he had never worked retail before our shop and didn’t like the customer service aspect. And we chose for him to go and me to stay. I couldn’t bring myself to let her go while she was so tiny and I felt so needed.

So I had to make a choice, either go back and stuff those feelings down, or give up the control to someone else.

 

 

And that’s what we’ve been doing for a year. A year of ups and downs and is this going to last? A year of still having no idea what we are doing or whether we can make rent. Oh and did I mention, I have three dogs and one died. SO yes a lot of changes. Now I work from home mostly, during naps. Because THIS KID IS WALKING. And I’m so glad I made that choice. Yes I questioned it, and do almost weekly. I looked at day care and nanny’s and the whole thing and decided NO this is where I need to be. I’ll figure out a way to balance it. And by balance it, I mean survive it…with humor.

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It sped by at lightning speed and I don’t know what I’ll do next. All I do know is even though I gave myself EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED, the job, the business, the baby, the house, I don’t know if this is how it will stay. If this is how our life will work in a years time.

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T KNOW. And I’m a planner. I like to know the details. I made a birth plan and a business plan and a getting pregnant plan and it still isn’t how I thought it would be and I don’t know how it will be later. Because life IS change. I don’t know if this will be everything I ever wanted in a year, or a week or if something else will light a fire under me. But I’ll let you know if it does. Because you know as Ferris Bueller said “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you might miss it”.

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